John Sheppard's Guide on Discouraging Affection
by greenconverses
Summary: John usually doesn't find anything unexpected during patrols. Finding Teyla alone on the North Pier trying to avoid a grabby anthropologist definitely counts as unexpected.


**Author's Notes:** Written for the John/Teyla version of the "You Must've Been Kissin' A Fool" challenge on LJ.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Stargate Atlantis_. I just like to play in MGM's sandbox from time-to-time.

**John Sheppard's Guide on Discouraging Unwanted Affection**

Usually, John never came across anything terribly unexpected while on patrol. Yeah, there'd be the occasional run-in with a freaky, life-changing Ancient Device or, if one was really unlucky, the rare skirmish with a half-dead Wraith and/or Ancient Experiment in the bowels of the city. But that was something the patrol units had come to anticipate by now.

Finding Teyla alone in a vacant room of the North Pier at dusk, however, definitely qualified as unexpected.

"Whatcha doin', Teyla?"

She jumped at the sound of his voice and turned quickly, startled. At the sight of him, she relaxed and gave him a smile, strained smile.

"Colonel Sheppard. I was not expecting you."

John tried to convince himself that he did not just feel a surge of jealously directed toward whomever she _was_ expecting.

He failed. Miserably.

"You were expecting someone?" he asked casually, leaning against the doorjamb.

"Not…exactly," she paused, searching for words. "I am trying to avoid someone, actually."

He arched an eyebrow.

"Who? If it's Bates again, I swear I'll have him thrown through into the nearest space gate – "

Teyla's smile brightened just a bit and she chuckled, shaking her head.

"You would be the first to know if Sgt. Bates was stirring trouble, Colonel," she said. "It is just that one of the anthropologists has been very…open in regards of his feelings toward me. You remember Doctor Litcher, yes?"

Oh, John remembered Litcher all right.

He'd gone on a mission a few weeks ago and spent more time studying Teyla's curves than the ancient ruins they'd specifically dragged him to the planet to see. He'd been a smarmy bastard the entire time, as all the newbies tended to be. It didn't help any that Litcher was the kind of guy that looked as though he should be on a billboard in Times Square clad in only underwear instead of on an intergalactic mission of scientific discovery.

John Sheppard had added Dr. Litcher to his short, "Personnel To Avoid At All Costs" list soon after, so his advances on Teyla were not all that unexpected.

Especially considering she had taken to wearing that low-cut black shirt and jeans around the city lately. She had also begun pulling her hair up more often, letting little wisps trail delicately at the base of her neck.

Not that John made a special effort to notice these things, of course.

"I see that you do," Teyla said, noticing his scowl, "He has not been able to leave me alone since we had lunch last week. He seems to be under the impression that we are seeing each other and has been insufferable for the past few days – following me around, scaring off any men I talk to…He even tried to kiss me in the cafeteria this morning in front of half the expedition!"

Her cheeks turned dusty pink in anger, and she looked uncharacteristically flustered.

"Have you told him that you don't like him?"

"I have tried but he is very, very stubborn. He thinks he is…what is your expression? God's gift to women?" John nodded and she rolled her eyes. "I have tried to avoid him, but he just appears out of thin air! I do not know what I can do discourage his affection!"

"Have you tried kicking his ass?" John suggested lightly.

She glared at him with affectionate exasperation.

"I try not to solve all my problems through violence, Colonel."

"Well, if you're being particular about it, I'll kick his ass for you."

"No ass kicking will be allowed, John," Teyla said sternly, moving toward him. "Do you have any other, non-violent suggestions?"

"Sure, let me just pull out the John Sheppard Non-Violent Guide to Discouraging Unwanted Affection and page through it for a magical solution," he responded. Damn it, he _was_ hanging around Rodney too much. "Seriously, I don't know. Tell him you're interested in someone else or something."

Hadn't she seen how absolutely terrible he was at discouraging the attentions of scantily clad alien woman or any female in general? He always seemed to encourage their antics.

"I believe that will not be effective enough. He does not listen to me."

"Well, maybe you'll have to show him then," he said slowly, waiting for her reaction. She tilted her head to the side, a silent command to continue. "You know, let him catch you making out with someone else and he'll back off right away, 'specially if you're with someone really intimidating, like Ronon, or if you're with a girl. Not that I think you're a lesbian or anything...Oh, but he might like – "

"Teyla? Are you here?"

Litcher's voice sounded out of nowhere and echoed in the corridor. The way Teyla's expression went from shocked to absolutely terrified in less than half a second would have been comical if she hadn't ripped his P-90 out of his hands in the next second and then threw it away from him. Good thing he had left the safety on.

Litcher had to have heard the clatter and was probably three steps outside the door by now. Wasn't the idea of Teyla's game not to be caught?

"Hey, what's – "

John barely had time to get any more confused before Teyla grabbed him by the straps of his tak vest and yanked him down to her. He banged his forehead against hers and muttered a sullen "Ow!" against the tip of her nose; she used his open mouth to her advantage, stood on her tip-toes, and kissed him.

Well.

_That_ was most certainly unexpected.

It took him a moment to understand what exactly was happening. Then another to relax, close his eyes, and fall into the rhythm she set – hot, wet, and passionate. But once he had, he was sliding his tongue across her lower lip and threading a hand into the loose hair at the nape of her neck, and wondering why the hell he didn't kiss Teyla Emmagan more often.

She tasted sweet, like the Athosian maple cakes she had given him once, and her lips were featherlike against his. Her grip tightened on his straps as his other hand found the small of her back and pressed her against him. John took the lead and deepened their kiss, until every one of his nerves were burning and his lungs were begging for air and his senses were drowning in her essence and – and –

Someone coughed from behind.

John's eyes shot open and he stiffened, feeling his neck beginning to burn in embarrassment. Teyla's eyes were dark and she mouthed, "Play along!" against his lips before she unceremoniously shoved him, sending him stumbling into the wall.

"Oh, Doctor Litcher! Iwas not expecting you!" she exclaimed, a breathless mockery of her earlier greeting. She smiled innocently, her lips bruised and wet from their not-so-innocent kiss. "What are you doing out on the North Pier so late?"

John grinned, rubbing his jaw delicately, and looked to the doorway where Litcher stood, his mouth set in a grim line and arms crossed over his chest. He looked pissed. _Really_ pissed.

Score one for the John Sheppard Guide to Discouraging Unwanted Affection.

* * *

Thanks for reading.


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